Throw Back Thursday & Woes of Being 30

I just found a picture of myself, skimming through old photos to find a really neat "throw back Thursday," picture to post onto my Facebook wall.  Reading that outloud makes me feel pretty cool.

In doing so, I stumbled upon a gem.  Literally, I am going to toot my own horn and say wow.  Who in the hell is that???  That effortless attempt I made for my senior high school pictures.

When I throw myself back into time and think about the prep work I did for my senior pictures in high school I feel happy.  It was a warm August summer afternoon.  I had a summer of mowing lawns and going to the pool on my skin.  I had morning volleyball practice already checked off my to-do list and I simply showered to get ready before we headed over to Fairmont (a nearby town) where my photographer met us at a park to take outdoor pictures.

If I remember correctly, I scrunched some hair gel into my hair.  Put on some eye make-up and some bronzer.  Picked out a top that I thought was pretty and my favorite necklace at the time. Moments before shooting photos I put on some lip gloss.  Done.

Why is it, that within a range of twelve years that effortless amount of work suddenly turns into weeks of planning.  Right now?  If I were to be in an intentional photoshoot I would immediately start to applying self-tanner.  I would probably try to adjust my facial regimen to include intense acne fighting and anti-aging attempts for any nasty fine lines that might want to pop up from now until photo time.

This is the first instance of turning thirty years old this year, that makes me want to punch a punching bag.  Part of life, part of life.  Yes, I know.  It doesn't make it suck less!

Don't mind me.  If you feel the earth shift tonight because of the amount of nighttime facial cream I have plastered onto my face tonight, just know that I am prepping for a photoshoot this fall.

Hormones & Medication Ramblings

Let's talk hormones.  And anti-depression medication.

If you'd like to catch up on my backstory of how I found myself on medication to begin with, check out this long-winded rambling post:  http://bkmonet.blogspot.com/2013/10/week-2-check-in-ramblings.html

Around the beginning of 2014 I made a goal to be free of medication.  I found myself waking up every morning and asking, "why am I even taking this??"

I feel like over the course of the last few years I've been taking anti-depression medication when it hasn't necessarily been necessary.  Have there been some bumps in the road that I have needed help with?  YES.  Is medication the solution?  I don't think so.

I am proud to share that I have been completely off my medication for three weeks.  Woo!  Given, I am holding back excitement and celebration until it has been at least six weeks or more.  (it usually takes 4-6 weeks for medication like this to completely metabolize out of your system)  At that point I want to take some honest inventory of how I'm feeling.  Best part?  Even if I still feel off, there are endless possibilities of help that don't include medication.

Insert discussion about hormones.

I have begun to take hormone replacement therapy cream since January of 2014.  Cream?  What?  Ew? If those are your reactions, you are a lot like me.  Thankfully it's quite literally not gross or strange.  I simply put some lotion on the inside of my arm twice per day.  Done.

I have an entire inner dialogue about my hesitation to start using hormone replacement therapy.  I wasn't even 30 years old when I started this.  What in the hell is wrong with me?!?  There are risks.  Is it natural?  Is it synthetic?  Will I gain weight?  Will I have side-effects?  Is this going to royally screw me up? Are there other holistic options?  So many questions.  Some I have found answers to, others are still questions I am seeking answers for.

Late 2013 I started to explore hormone options after having some questionable skin "things" removed by a dermatologist.  One of the questionable items led me to find out that it was caused by hormone imbalance.  Pieces of a puzzle began to fall into place.

Long story short, I did a saliva test to check my hormones to discover that for my age, my progesterone and estrogen levels were quite literally almost not on the "chart."  Low.  low low low.

Why can't I fall asleep at night?  Why do I toss and turn?  Why do I wake up feeling like I want to sleep for 3 more hours?  Why do I have mood swings?  Why do I feel agitated and annoyed all the time?  Why can't I just get myself to DO something?  Why am I restless and tired all day?  Libido?  What's that?  

These were some of the questions I have been asking myself for a long time in my life, but just figured that there was nothing I could do.  I had to simply deal with it, find a way to make it better.  Instead I feel like I was dragging everyone down around me in my attempts to figure it out.

Best thing ever?  There ARE answers and solutions.  and I'm already experiencing it.

Yesterday I had a check-up with my practitioner who prescribes my hormone cream and she read a list of my "symptoms" I came to her with back in late 2013 that I was experiencing. (the questions listed above)  Since starting to use this cream I have already noticed a change.  Best part?  I am still just beginning this journey.  I am so excited and optimistic that I might finally be finding answers to the questions I seek.

Hormones are for real!!!

Going futher, I've begun to do research into birth control, and I want to travel back in time and slap my young-self and prevent the use of oral birth control pills.  You know, the pills that were quite possibly the start of the downfall of my hormone imbalance.  Pregnancy hormones.  Daily life stress.  and all the other million factors that play a role.  It's exciting and rewarding to be on the road to finding the answers I seek.

THIRTY

HEY WORLD!  I'm thirty.  Thirty years old today.  Wooooo!  It is a good day.  Lastnight my husband surprised me with my early present.  Thus?  Here we are today.

I have a few cryptic words to express, so bear with me.  If I do in fact, have any readers at all, who might be reading this, I will say one thing.  NEW YEAR'S!!!!!!!!!!

Back to my regularly scheduled nonsense.

Today I had an amazing birthday.  I can say with utmost honesty that I wasn't expecting my 30th Birthday to be my favorite.  Yesterday I was literally nervous.  I told Adam that I felt like I wasn't living up to my expectations of where I wanted to be when I turned 30.  Seriously.  I haven't lost all the weight I want to lose, but you know what?  I'm still me!  Even if I'm a little bit fatter than I'd like, I may as well try to enjoy myself.

Tonight I was able to spend time with the people I love the most in my life.  My sister-in-law threw me a birthday party and it was so specific to me in the smallest of detail that I can't even describe it.  All the way down to the lemoncello infused champagne with the raspberry ice cube (it's hard to see in this picture, but that raspberry was literally created into an ice cube for the purpose of chilling my lemoncello infused champagne).

Did you notice that slice of cake?  Oh yes.  That slice of cake (alongside the homemade ice cream and lemoncello infused champagne with the raspberry ice cube).  Yeah.  that piece of cake came from this.  Made from scratch by my husband's grandma (who truly feels like my own grandma). 

There are times in a person's life where they realize you are surrounded by people who make your heart burst.  Even if they bust your chops, or do things that take your breath away.

Let me just shut my mouth while you enjoy a few photos of the rest of the evening.

Wooo!!!!  Thank you, to all who was involved in my birthday today, truly thank you!!!

My Heart Feels A Little More Full Today

It is the eve of my 30th birthday.

There are a lot of emotions that go along with that statement.  Tonight at the liquor store (chyeah.) the nice gentleman said, as I was about to walk out the door, "I was about to card you, but ...." and I just about jumped over the counter to hug him.  I don't think he realized I am soon to be moving on to the next decade.

Ha.  What a way to start this blog post.  Considering the fact I'm supposed to be on my 24-day challenge.  Whoops!  We stopped at the wine and spirits store on our way home from picking up my early birthday present.

My husband has single-handedly made my heart fill up a little more today.  He bought me a keyboard for my birthday.

Now, before you begin to think about the keyboards from the 1990s (with the flappy keys) and the crappy beatbox that starts when you push an aqua-colored button, just stop.  Apparently technology has not slowed down even when it comes to world of music.

Background:  My dream is to own a white baby grand piano.  That is still my dream, but realistically we are not in a position to drop 20K+ on a piano.  We have to buy summer rec passes for the kids and monthly payments towards our mortgage.  Someday, when I find myself bored and wrinkled, I will probably be in a position to buy my baby-grand piano.  But that day is not today.

Instead, I was presented with something that, at the moment, is BETTER.  Wait, is AMAZING.  It's a keyboard.  It's a keyboard that feels like a piano when my fingers brush over the keys.  I literally press down on the keys and there is a resistance like a real life piano.  It's a keyboard that has probably 4 billion features and stuff, and things, and. Even though I know a small fraction of what this keyboard is capable of, it's is now a part of my family.

It's a keyboard that allows me to turn the volume super duper low during nap times.  It's a keyboard that lets me throw on a pair of headphones so I can jam out while Adam is watching TV.  It's quite literally THE PERFECT piano I could ever ask for during this phase in our life.  My kids can learn on it.  and if they break it, they will only be grounded for a week for ruining a keyboard instead of a couple of years for breaking a baby grand.

It's brilliant.  and it's now mine.

And while Adam was still assembling the pedals, Sam plopped himself down and was creating a symphony in his mind and my heart just about couldn't contain itself and burst into a million pieces.

I'm ready to turn 30.  I welcome my birthday that is approaching within the next hour.  Because now I get to sit down to my piano and play songs that bring peace and joy to my heart.  That I can now share with my family.

I haven't played since college!  That's over a decade ago!!!!!!!

As I sip on my Mike's Harder Lemonade I feel a huge surge of happy.  There is an amazing little keyboard across the room.  Waiting for me to brush off the cobwebs in the part of my brain that has carefully tucked music away in, and is ready to open back up.  (Did you know that you physically cannot forget music?  Our brains apparently remember forever.)  This makes me happy, especially since I started piddling away tonight and played four songs that I haven't even thought about for over a decade and tonight I played them.  Obviously with extreme room for improvement, but it happened.

I love you, Adam.  There is no way I can simply say, "thank you," for this present for my birthday.  When I say that I feel like my heart feels full tonight, I don't think I can express it.  It's fulfilling a hope and dream to have music in our home while we raise our children.  That they might latch on to some small piece of hearing music and grow and feel love with it.  They might not ever play, but to know that they grow up hearing ME play is the most I could ever hope for.  If they sit down and decide that they want music in their own lives, well.  That means my heart just filled EVEN FULLER.  How is that even possible?  I feel like "my cup runneth over," is exactly how I feel right now.

In a few days I hope that I will have been able to find some coordination within my fingers again, to begin communicating through music again.  In the vessel that I've been using since I was in the first grade, that until tonight has been greatly missed.  LIFE IS ART.  and a huge part of that art is suddenly back in my life.

Challenge Day 3

I'm already wavering. I am hungry! I am crabby! I would love nothing more than to fall into my routine of justifying some comfort eating.

Then I get a text message from a girlfriend asking if I want to come out and have a few drinks with some friends. 

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I want to so much!!! So so so much. 

But I'm on Day 3. And I'm so tired of falling into the habits that have caused and maintained weight gain. I am trying to focus on being proud of myself for staying strong, but in the background of my thoughts I am hearing "eat something!" 

They don't call it a challenge for nothing, but my word! Last challenge I didn't feel this until about day 14 or so.

I did a little comparing from the end of my previous challenge to the start of this one. (Last one ended late January.) Since then the scale tells me I've gained one pound, but lost 1.75" overall (comparing measurements). My initial guess is muscle. I've been running more and some weights so it would make sense for that difference!

I'm completely aware of how the scale shouldn't be how you base success, but DAMNIT I'd love to see the numbers drop. And I'd love to feel my clothes fitting loose to the point of not being able to wear my fat clothes anymore.

I feel like this post is hostile as I sit at my dining room table figuring out when I get to eat next. 

Must keep eye on the prize!!!!! 

Happy Friday!  :)

24-Day Challenge with Advocare DAY 1

I am still alive!  I know all of my readers (do I have any???) have been anxiously awaiting another post.  I know it has been quite awhile since I've written but I am back!

Today marks DAY 1 of my 24-Day Challenge through Advocare.  I am a distributor, so if you have any questions or if you would like to order products, head on over to my page: www.AdvoCare.com/131115921

I am excited to be embarking on this journey.  I took measurements today, and I should take some before photos too, but I haven't been brave enough to do so.  It boggles my mind that after months of exercising I have not lost weight, maybe a few pounds.  I take my progress based on how my clothes fit more than the scale and my clothes are not fitting any better than they were.

I have so many things going on. To summarize, changes in anti-depressant medication (that I don't really think I need any longer, working on it), dermatologist visits discovering a cyst that was caused by hormonal imbalance, saliva tests to check my hormones, discovering that I am very low on Estrogen and Progesterone in my body (as in off the charts) .....  SOMETHING ISN'T QUITE RIGHT.  Having significantly low estrogen and progesterone can cause weight gain and water retention.  This makes sense to me.  I have many of the other symptoms of someone who is experiencing hormonal imbalance.

After working with my doctor I am now on 20mg of Progesterone cream per day.  This in itself has me feeling good and bad.  Excited but also apprehensive.  Almost every single thing I've read regarding Progesterone cream includes a side effect of weight gain.  EXCELLENT.

Needless to say I am embarking on a journey that is going to be ....interesting.

I am SO EXCITED to take on the 24-day challenge because it will enforce strict clean eating and exercise which is part of my New Year's resolution to begin with.  But in the back of my mind I have fear that I'm going to start gaining weight from messing around with my hormones.

I truly don't know what to expect.  I hope that I can defy all the odds and pull out of this transition in my life where I can lose weight and feel happy on a daily basis.  These are my goals.  Written out, out in the open for all the world to see, so that I will be held accountable to doing everything I can go accomplish them:

GOALS
1.  Get off anti-depressant medication
2.  Be Happy
3.  Lose Weight!  10 pounds during this 24DC (24-day challenge).... (I want to be down 30 pounds by April 25th ....my 30th Birthday, WHOAH)

Be sure to put your seatbelts on, folks. This might be a wild ride, but I am going to do everything I can to not only MAKE my goals, but exceed them.

A Little Rough

The last two weeks have been interesting to say the least. I mentioned briefly in an earlier post about finding some questionable bumps that my dermatologist was scheduled a to remove. Today was the second of two procedures to remove these lovely bumps and freckles/moles that seem to be feisty. 

Not going to hold back here, but I feel like a piece of sushi. All chopped up and in pain. I had three areas on my face done last week. Three areas on my back/side done this week. 

A wave of emotions is accurate, from feeling good about being proactive to anxious about the pending results from biopsies and the like. Oh and not to complain, but I hurt. Four of the six with sutures and one that is particularly deep. 

The ones done on my back and side will pose an interesting involvement on physical activity. Rubbing against clothes and movement while healing. My elliptical workouts might need to be on the slow side for a few days! 

Keeping fingers crossed for good results next week.

Week 2 Check-In & Ramblings

Greetings world :)  Brittney here, with my official report of my previous week.

CHECK-IN SURVEY: Week 2
Number of days of Exercise: 4
Number of Cardio Exercises: 4
Number of Weight Exercises: .5
Total Time Exercised:  4.5 hours
Total Calories Burned:  still gadget-free.  I'm not ready for stats yet.
Proud Moments: Hitting the 3-mile-mark TWICE this week.  holla!
Needs Work:  Oh my, lots and lots and lots of things.  Too many to list specifically.

I am very proud of myself for completing my second week of ...how do I say it?  Living again.  It's like my mind has been unaware and out-of-sync with my body for over a year.  So very sad.  I have said it before and I will say it again.  I don't want to treat my body like that ever ever again.  This is the only body I have.  I only have this lifetime to enjoy it and be as healthy as possible.  Maybe it's because I'm creeping towards my thirtieth year in life and I have been in a funk for almost a decade now?  It's long over due.

I want to say around Sophomore year in college is when a huge shift in my life occurred.  Up to that point I was busy in athletics in high school, and a fresh young Freshman in college I was DETERMINED to not let the "freshman 15" touch me.  Proud to say it didn't!  I exercised rigorously freshman year ...and then Sophomore year I probably gained 40 pounds.  Oy vey.  I got back into exercising regularly a year or so later but never really got back to my ideal "place."  THEN I got engaged and kicked it into gear.  I was NOT going to look like a cow wearing my white dress.  I am happy and proud of the shape I was in when I was married.  I could do push-ups like a pro, and although I wasn't my "skinniest" I felt amazing on my wedding day!

Around 6 months after our wedding I became pregnant with my son and couldn't WAIT for a big ole belly.  I was going to be one of those CUTE and adorable pregnant women who don't look pregnant at all except for the bump.  

umm.  ha.  hahaha.  Oh dear.

THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.  I gained 70 pounds.  SEVENTY POUNDS.  My son weighed 8 pounds 12 ounces when he was born.  Holy shit.  I couldn't fathom HOW or WHY my regular clothes didn't fit the day I got home from the hospital.  Well, my ass grew to be the size of Minneapolis and I had more chins than I care to admit.  Apparently when you're pregnant you cannot eat for two and not exercise a single day and remain healthy or fit.  

I made several attempts after Sam was born to get back into the best shape possible, but lived for months in denial of post-partum depression and pretty much had a hell of a time.  I made a valid push to be fit the summer before getting pregnant with my daughter but still weighed far more than I ever imagined I would weigh.  The moment we started talking about having another baby I started exercising regularly.  I wanted to be healthy during my second pregnancy.  I had complications after giving birth to Sam and I still remember how weak I felt afterwards.  I had no stamina, no strength.  I wish I would have been stronger to aide in a faster recovery!  Aside from getting fat I had lost a lot of muscle and it did NOT feel good to not feel strong.

I exercised throughout my entire second pregnancy but allowed myself to eat freely and thus gained weight.  I gained 30 pounds with my daughter which is far better than my first pregnancy!  For sure.  But again, found myself very heavy after Kate was born.  

Then a monkey-wrench was thrown into life.  I had a gallstone attack a couple weeks after Kate was born.  I went to bed that night seriously wondering if I was going to wake up in the morning.  Looking back now it probably would have been smart to go the ER, but I'm happy with how things ended up working out over time.  I was told by a surgeon that I would need to have surgery to remove my gallbladder which would require me to not lift more than 10 pounds for SIX WEEKS.  

A man in an office told a stay-at-home mom to two children - one being only 2 weeks old - that I couldn't lift more than 10 pounds for a month and a half.  I balled.  I cried.  I couldn't fathom life in recovery for that long.  Kate weighed more than 10 pounds a week after she was born!  I was not going to miss the early months of her life not being able to hold her or pick her up when she cried for me.  Or to not be able to pick Sam up when needed me!  Or to carry laundry baskets or groceries!  I seriously looked into hiring a nanny.  I felt sick at the idea of needing to rely on friends, family, a nanny, THAT EXTENSIVELY during this time in our life.

I made a decision then and there that I wasn't going to have gallbladder surgery.  I instead made the choice to change my diet in any way necessary to get my gallbladder healthy again.  If I kept having attacks then I would do the surgery, but if I could make changes in my life I was going to at least try!

I did a lot of research.  (check out my Board on Pinterest dedicated to making my gallbladder happy)  I cut out eggs, pork, red meat, gluten, unnecessary sugars, etc.  One thing about this kind of change when you have gallbladder issues is to not to it drastically as it could cause more stress on your digestive system.  Over the course of the next year I would very much enjoy these changes in diet.  I learned a lot about myself with these changes.  I prefer a vegetarian lifestyle.  I will still eat chicken, some turkey and on occasion lean red meat.  I created my Healthy Foodie board on Pinterest of healthy recipes that I still use and enjoy regularly), in case you're in the market for yummies.

Life seemed to be going in a great direction as far as weight.  I was starting to wear pre-children/wedding-size clothes again...and as surreal as it was, I felt so out of place.  I didn't feel toned or fit.  I was skinnier, but not fit.  I love being fit.  I love being tight and strong, so the entire skinny year felt wrong because I was losing muscle in addition to the extra.   I was wearing a splint on my abdomen 24/7 in the hopes of strengthening my core, but in doing so I became dependent on that splint.  Any time I would take it off for longer than showering my back would start to hurt and I would feel weak in my core.  Not a good feeling :(  

Not to write a novel!  Holy cow, I'm writing a ton.  

Around November 2012 I changed my medication thinking that my current meds had become ineffective.  I switched from Wellbutrin to Effexor (the generic of both) and thus started a year long downfall of my health and wellness.  

That's a whole 'nother story.

Wow, this is very therapeutic to type all of that out.  Especially because I am now starting my third week of being active again.  It has been approximately 5 weeks since I stopped taking the Effexor and have switched back to Wellbutrin.  I'm sitting here with my muscles feeling taunt and pleasantly sore (is that possible?  I'm weird) after my workout tonight.  

I'm not going to gloat or pat myself on the back yet because I realize there is a hugely wide and long road ahead of me.  Wide because of the diversity of fit I hope to accomplish as well as long because it isn't going to happen over night.  Nor would I want it to.  This is the real deal, folks.

I have one serious flaw that tends to happen when I start getting back in shape.  I can already feel myself thinking, "I did enough today, that's good enough."  NO.  NO.  I neeeed to become an over-achiever of exercise.  I need to always do more.  I don't want to become obsessive, but as soon as I start to get comfortable, then I back down and take a day off.  Or eat an extra dessert because I feel good!  I feel like I'm in a good place.  But it's never ending.  The only way to get better is to keep going.  Keep on, keeping on.  

In addition to the single element of being fit, I'm going to have to start really holding myself accountable with calories.  It's not a "I should," do it kind of thing.  I NEED TO.  The last two weeks have been purely about moving again, but it's an equation.  I cannot exercise and exercise and still eat like a monster.  It doesn't work that way.  After Gallbladder Gate 2012 I was living proof that diet alone CAN change your life.  Now I am doing more.  I am going to change my life in both food and activity.  

I feel like singing a huge anthem song that inspires and shakes you to the core!  lol  Eye of the Tiger perhaps?

Oops

Today I learned from my dermatologist that I have multiple pre-cancerous skin "things" throughout my body. I won't know the severity of said things until a couple weeks from now, but as a result I have been comfort eating and drinking beer tonight. Please don't judge me. Comfort eating/drinking is going to be a life long battle of mine! 

I stood on the doorstep between exercising tonight or having a few drinks while listening to my children NOT going to bed at the same time as watching "this is 40" (which is hilarious) with Adam. Sigh.

This is life. I would love to push through and workout to overcome everything in this world, but tonight I needed to laugh with my guy.

Rome wasn't built in a day. Can that be my excuse? I'm going to go with that.