My Heart Feels A Little More Full Today

It is the eve of my 30th birthday.

There are a lot of emotions that go along with that statement.  Tonight at the liquor store (chyeah.) the nice gentleman said, as I was about to walk out the door, "I was about to card you, but ...." and I just about jumped over the counter to hug him.  I don't think he realized I am soon to be moving on to the next decade.

Ha.  What a way to start this blog post.  Considering the fact I'm supposed to be on my 24-day challenge.  Whoops!  We stopped at the wine and spirits store on our way home from picking up my early birthday present.

My husband has single-handedly made my heart fill up a little more today.  He bought me a keyboard for my birthday.

Now, before you begin to think about the keyboards from the 1990s (with the flappy keys) and the crappy beatbox that starts when you push an aqua-colored button, just stop.  Apparently technology has not slowed down even when it comes to world of music.

Background:  My dream is to own a white baby grand piano.  That is still my dream, but realistically we are not in a position to drop 20K+ on a piano.  We have to buy summer rec passes for the kids and monthly payments towards our mortgage.  Someday, when I find myself bored and wrinkled, I will probably be in a position to buy my baby-grand piano.  But that day is not today.

Instead, I was presented with something that, at the moment, is BETTER.  Wait, is AMAZING.  It's a keyboard.  It's a keyboard that feels like a piano when my fingers brush over the keys.  I literally press down on the keys and there is a resistance like a real life piano.  It's a keyboard that has probably 4 billion features and stuff, and things, and. Even though I know a small fraction of what this keyboard is capable of, it's is now a part of my family.

It's a keyboard that allows me to turn the volume super duper low during nap times.  It's a keyboard that lets me throw on a pair of headphones so I can jam out while Adam is watching TV.  It's quite literally THE PERFECT piano I could ever ask for during this phase in our life.  My kids can learn on it.  and if they break it, they will only be grounded for a week for ruining a keyboard instead of a couple of years for breaking a baby grand.

It's brilliant.  and it's now mine.

And while Adam was still assembling the pedals, Sam plopped himself down and was creating a symphony in his mind and my heart just about couldn't contain itself and burst into a million pieces.

I'm ready to turn 30.  I welcome my birthday that is approaching within the next hour.  Because now I get to sit down to my piano and play songs that bring peace and joy to my heart.  That I can now share with my family.

I haven't played since college!  That's over a decade ago!!!!!!!

As I sip on my Mike's Harder Lemonade I feel a huge surge of happy.  There is an amazing little keyboard across the room.  Waiting for me to brush off the cobwebs in the part of my brain that has carefully tucked music away in, and is ready to open back up.  (Did you know that you physically cannot forget music?  Our brains apparently remember forever.)  This makes me happy, especially since I started piddling away tonight and played four songs that I haven't even thought about for over a decade and tonight I played them.  Obviously with extreme room for improvement, but it happened.

I love you, Adam.  There is no way I can simply say, "thank you," for this present for my birthday.  When I say that I feel like my heart feels full tonight, I don't think I can express it.  It's fulfilling a hope and dream to have music in our home while we raise our children.  That they might latch on to some small piece of hearing music and grow and feel love with it.  They might not ever play, but to know that they grow up hearing ME play is the most I could ever hope for.  If they sit down and decide that they want music in their own lives, well.  That means my heart just filled EVEN FULLER.  How is that even possible?  I feel like "my cup runneth over," is exactly how I feel right now.

In a few days I hope that I will have been able to find some coordination within my fingers again, to begin communicating through music again.  In the vessel that I've been using since I was in the first grade, that until tonight has been greatly missed.  LIFE IS ART.  and a huge part of that art is suddenly back in my life.

Challenge Day 3

I'm already wavering. I am hungry! I am crabby! I would love nothing more than to fall into my routine of justifying some comfort eating.

Then I get a text message from a girlfriend asking if I want to come out and have a few drinks with some friends. 

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I want to so much!!! So so so much. 

But I'm on Day 3. And I'm so tired of falling into the habits that have caused and maintained weight gain. I am trying to focus on being proud of myself for staying strong, but in the background of my thoughts I am hearing "eat something!" 

They don't call it a challenge for nothing, but my word! Last challenge I didn't feel this until about day 14 or so.

I did a little comparing from the end of my previous challenge to the start of this one. (Last one ended late January.) Since then the scale tells me I've gained one pound, but lost 1.75" overall (comparing measurements). My initial guess is muscle. I've been running more and some weights so it would make sense for that difference!

I'm completely aware of how the scale shouldn't be how you base success, but DAMNIT I'd love to see the numbers drop. And I'd love to feel my clothes fitting loose to the point of not being able to wear my fat clothes anymore.

I feel like this post is hostile as I sit at my dining room table figuring out when I get to eat next. 

Must keep eye on the prize!!!!! 

Happy Friday!  :)

DAY ONE, Advocare 24-Day Challenge, Round 2

Hi friends and readers!  Today marks DAY ONE of another Advocare 24-Day Challenge.  It's ironic because today is my first day.  My 30th Birthday is in 24 days!!  My birthday lands on the last day of my challenge.  I couldn't think of a better birthday present I could give to myself than the next 24 days of getting back into a strict regimen of clean eating and continued exercise.

Little backstory.  I did a Challenge earlier this past January, and you might be wondering why would I be doing another?  Did the first one not work?  Strange to be doing it again, right?  Well, Advocare 24-day challenges include a "cleanse" phase that in a sense, puts your body in a position to absorb nutrients better and to simply kick off the challenge right.  I say the word "cleanse," and my husband's face says it all.  You think BLECH what in the world?!?  Cleanse?  It's really quite simple.  A combination of a morning fiber drink, an evening herbal capsule, in addition to a probiotic supplement is about the extent of it.  Pair it with eating clean foods and portion control.  Throw in some exercise.  THAT is the start of Advocare's 24-Day Challenge.

Last challenge I had, what I consider, to be good results!  I lost 8.4 pounds and a total of 7 inches off my body.  I'd say that's a good start!  I'd like to do the same, no, BETTER.

OFFICIAL CHALLENGE GOALS:
1. Lose 10 pounds.

Yep, that's about it.  Ten is a nice sounding number.  Realistically I have about 40-50 pounds I need to lose to consider myself "HAPPY."  Is that possible?  Sure, it probably is.  Yet I need to factor reality into the mixture.  I like to eat, I enjoy the taste of food.  I have muscular legs, muscle weighs more than fat.  Losing 40-50 pounds would put me at my high school weight.  Is that realistic?  I'd LOVE to be there, but I honestly don't know if I could do that!  I feel like I would need to literally starve myself, and that does not sound appealing to me.

I have been planning on starting this challenge for a few weeks.  I ordered my products (HERE) and had every intention of starting as soon as I received them.  (which I did)  ....yet I received an extra little "push" lastnight.

I went to my ceramic pottery class before going to the gym.  Imagine not wearing any make-up, having my hair pulled back tight and ugly, wearing an AWFUL skin-tight stripe shirt.  Then my instructor asks to take a picture.  I agonizingly agreed, photo snaps, and then she says she's going to put it up on Facebook later.

Ask yourself this.  Would you scramble over to that person and beg and plead them not to post that picture because of your own self consciousness?  Well, I was tempted to.  But I thought, "it couldn't be that bad, right?!?"

It was.

Horrendous.  I asked my husband if THAT PHOTO is what I look like.  The person in that photo is not what I see when I look in the mirror.  I've made so many excuses and found the best angle to look at myself in the mirror so that I almost have convinced myself that I look pretty good!  But to see a photo of myself from someone else's angle?  I felt like I was punched in the face.

I'm tired of feeling self-conscious.  I'm tired of it!!!  SO SICK OF IT!

I've been exercising for months, thinking that results have got to be showing by now.  It has to be paying off by now.  Right?!?  I ran 4.5 miles a couple days ago.  I can actually see my muscles working when I lift free weights in front of the mirror at the gym.  I feel like I can see results.... yet, not.  My clothes haven't started to fit looser.  That photo?!?!?  Kill me now.

Enter the start of another 24-day Challenge.

I promised myself last year that by my 30th Birthday I was going to be in the best shape of my life.  Well, that quite simply is a work in progress.  I have a list of real reasons why I've been having trouble, but I'm tired of them!!!  Hormones.  Medication.  Physical limitations.  Blarg.

It's time to put some dedicated effort into losing weight.  I mentioned earlier "strict regimen."  ....after my last challenge I floundered when I was done.  I flapped around in the breeze and slowly slowly found myself eating what the kids were eating again.  Having more snacks.  Comfort eating.  Drinking WINE and BEER on the weekends.  Hell, even a few weeknights.  Apparently as much as I hate the confines of a regimen I literally have success when I am on one.

So let's get back to my goals for this challenge
1. Lose 10 pounds by the end of this challenge.
2. Feel proud, not conscious of my body.
3. Be completely weaned off anti-depression medication

Last little paragraph before I wrap up my novel.  I am already starting to wean off my Bupropion (generic of Wellbutrin).  Started Monday, in fact.  I have come to the conclusion that I was put on anti-depressant medication post-pregnancy from suspicions of post-partum-depression.  In all actuality I believe I was undergoing severe hormone imbalances.  After having a test done in December and saw actual results of my body having hardly any Progesterone or Estrogen, it became very clear.  So!  In about a week and a half I my "wean-down" dosage from my doctor will be out.  and I will not be taking daily medication for the first time in multiple years.  I'm kinda looking forward to that.  :)

Okay, that is all for now folks!  Crickets?  I hear crickets.  lol

24 Days SUCCESS

January marked the completion of my 24-day Challenge with Advocare.  Success is a good feeling.  To complete the full 24-days.  Not wavering.  Sticking to it.  THAT was the biggest accomplishment for me.  I did it.

Losing weight was a perk, of course!  Over the course of the 24 days I lost 8.4 pounds and a total of 7 inches off my body.  Prior to this I never really thought about measuring my body.  Yet on Day 1, and then 24 days later to have 7 inches LESS on my body after measuring?  That leaves an impact!!

I could go into deep explanation of the Advocare products and what I liked and didn't like.  That's another post in another few days.  Today I simply want to write about how good it feels to have done this challenge.  I feel happier.  I am learning to not comfort eat.  I tend to comfort eat, whether I am happy or sad.  Getting back on track to not associating emotions with food being put in my mouth is big for me.  For example....I'm feeling good today, should I have a cupcake?  Or UGGH today is HARD, give me something salty!!!  Those both happen, sadly, and I am working on not doing it anymore.

Come check out my Advocare page if you're interested in ordering products: www.AdvoCare.com/131115921

CLEAN EATING has been huge.  The booklet you receive when you start this challenge outlines a guideline of portion size and suggested foods.  Also foods to avoid.  It's not EASY to cut out white flour, processed foods, sugar, salt, alcohol.  Especially if you are a busy mom with a family of hungry mouths that need food regularly and a lot of the times they need said food in a hurry or a rush.  The biggest part of my challenge was to figure out how to eat clean while feeding my family at the same time.  My husband has the metabolism of a horse (to which I am totally jealous of).  Putting a plate of 6 oz chicken breast, a cup of green beans and a small side of quinoa?  Yeah, that isn't a meal to him.  Thankfully with a lot of support, open mindedness and with a lot of flapping around in the breeze trying to figure out what works for my family, we have figured it out.  Now my family asks me to make clean recipes.  I feel like I'm not only making my body healthier, and I feel like an ass for having to admit this, but it's so much better for my family!  It makes me feel guilty for not doing this sooner.  This is how I have always wanted my family to eat, but somehow it didn't happen.  IT'S HAPPENING NOW!

Want recipe ideas?  I have a huge board on Pinterest called "Healthy Foodie" where I have pinned a ton of recipes.  Some have been tried and are loved, others are in que to try out.

I have some before & after pictures on lock-down on my computer.  They are terrifying.  At the time of taking them I forgot about the concept of ever showing them to anyone.  Gnarly lack of make-up.  Crazy hair.  Oh and the blubber.  Not the most appealing of images.  I don't want to scare you, either.  Next challenge I do I promise I'm going to take better before and after pictures.

Another challenge, you might ask?  Yes.  I am excited to do another challenge!!  It is recommended to wait 90 between challenges.  May 1st, I am starting another.  I am so excited to do it again.  Hopefully I will have even more amazing results!   Care to join me?

24-Day Challenge with Advocare DAY 1

I am still alive!  I know all of my readers (do I have any???) have been anxiously awaiting another post.  I know it has been quite awhile since I've written but I am back!

Today marks DAY 1 of my 24-Day Challenge through Advocare.  I am a distributor, so if you have any questions or if you would like to order products, head on over to my page: www.AdvoCare.com/131115921

I am excited to be embarking on this journey.  I took measurements today, and I should take some before photos too, but I haven't been brave enough to do so.  It boggles my mind that after months of exercising I have not lost weight, maybe a few pounds.  I take my progress based on how my clothes fit more than the scale and my clothes are not fitting any better than they were.

I have so many things going on. To summarize, changes in anti-depressant medication (that I don't really think I need any longer, working on it), dermatologist visits discovering a cyst that was caused by hormonal imbalance, saliva tests to check my hormones, discovering that I am very low on Estrogen and Progesterone in my body (as in off the charts) .....  SOMETHING ISN'T QUITE RIGHT.  Having significantly low estrogen and progesterone can cause weight gain and water retention.  This makes sense to me.  I have many of the other symptoms of someone who is experiencing hormonal imbalance.

After working with my doctor I am now on 20mg of Progesterone cream per day.  This in itself has me feeling good and bad.  Excited but also apprehensive.  Almost every single thing I've read regarding Progesterone cream includes a side effect of weight gain.  EXCELLENT.

Needless to say I am embarking on a journey that is going to be ....interesting.

I am SO EXCITED to take on the 24-day challenge because it will enforce strict clean eating and exercise which is part of my New Year's resolution to begin with.  But in the back of my mind I have fear that I'm going to start gaining weight from messing around with my hormones.

I truly don't know what to expect.  I hope that I can defy all the odds and pull out of this transition in my life where I can lose weight and feel happy on a daily basis.  These are my goals.  Written out, out in the open for all the world to see, so that I will be held accountable to doing everything I can go accomplish them:

GOALS
1.  Get off anti-depressant medication
2.  Be Happy
3.  Lose Weight!  10 pounds during this 24DC (24-day challenge).... (I want to be down 30 pounds by April 25th ....my 30th Birthday, WHOAH)

Be sure to put your seatbelts on, folks. This might be a wild ride, but I am going to do everything I can to not only MAKE my goals, but exceed them.