Diamond in the Rough

There are some workouts that feel like you're chewing gravel.  The kind that you just want to put your time in so you can claim to have done it.

Tonight was NOT that night.  Tonight was one of those strangely fulfilling workouts that was more than the motions.  From the moment it started to the moments shortly after, it made me smile.  A real smile that wasn't all teeth or a cute expression you'd make for a picture.  It was a smile that held excitement in the pit of my stomach as I started pedaling with the sun on my face.  To breath in the smell of leaves and grass and flowers.  A smile that felt like breathing in the smell of springtime crabapple blossoms.

On my warm-up ride to the gym to do some weights I came across my favorite crabapple trees of all time.  They are in full bloom and they did not disappoint as I approached them.  It's that blink of a moment in the spring when the flowers are full-bloom and smell so sweet and fresh and deep.  Tomorrow they'll probably start to blow away petal by petal in the wind.  Tonight they held on so beautifully for me to take in.  Thank you, pretty trees.

My 30 minutes of weights felt good.  After a weekend of literally lopping evergreen branches (that was a lot more work than expected) I felt a little sore and my sets of reps were a welcome ache.  After I did some upper body, a few squats, and some inner & outer leg work I hopped on my bike-cycle.

If you know where I live, you might have a deeper understanding of this statement.  My town smelled like flowers tonight.  It doesn't always smell like flowers.  I'm not simply being corny and artistically ridiculous, either.  The town literally smelled like crabapple blossoms and lilacs every turn I took. That is something to behold!!

All in all, I wanted to remember this workout tonight.  To save for a rainy day.  That next time I find myself chewing gravel I can remember how worth it, and rewarding a hard workout is.  So that the next time, I might find myself with a diamond in the rough, like tonight.

This is what it's all about folks.

Oh!  and I biked 11 miles at an average speed of 14.45 mph.  My biking app says i burnt 863 calories not including my weights!  That's kind of neat.

Now it's time to drink my Post Workout Recovery shake and watch the season finale of the Voice.  Woo!

Throw Back Thursday & Woes of Being 30

I just found a picture of myself, skimming through old photos to find a really neat "throw back Thursday," picture to post onto my Facebook wall.  Reading that outloud makes me feel pretty cool.

In doing so, I stumbled upon a gem.  Literally, I am going to toot my own horn and say wow.  Who in the hell is that???  That effortless attempt I made for my senior high school pictures.

When I throw myself back into time and think about the prep work I did for my senior pictures in high school I feel happy.  It was a warm August summer afternoon.  I had a summer of mowing lawns and going to the pool on my skin.  I had morning volleyball practice already checked off my to-do list and I simply showered to get ready before we headed over to Fairmont (a nearby town) where my photographer met us at a park to take outdoor pictures.

If I remember correctly, I scrunched some hair gel into my hair.  Put on some eye make-up and some bronzer.  Picked out a top that I thought was pretty and my favorite necklace at the time. Moments before shooting photos I put on some lip gloss.  Done.

Why is it, that within a range of twelve years that effortless amount of work suddenly turns into weeks of planning.  Right now?  If I were to be in an intentional photoshoot I would immediately start to applying self-tanner.  I would probably try to adjust my facial regimen to include intense acne fighting and anti-aging attempts for any nasty fine lines that might want to pop up from now until photo time.

This is the first instance of turning thirty years old this year, that makes me want to punch a punching bag.  Part of life, part of life.  Yes, I know.  It doesn't make it suck less!

Don't mind me.  If you feel the earth shift tonight because of the amount of nighttime facial cream I have plastered onto my face tonight, just know that I am prepping for a photoshoot this fall.

Hormones & Medication Ramblings

Let's talk hormones.  And anti-depression medication.

If you'd like to catch up on my backstory of how I found myself on medication to begin with, check out this long-winded rambling post:  http://bkmonet.blogspot.com/2013/10/week-2-check-in-ramblings.html

Around the beginning of 2014 I made a goal to be free of medication.  I found myself waking up every morning and asking, "why am I even taking this??"

I feel like over the course of the last few years I've been taking anti-depression medication when it hasn't necessarily been necessary.  Have there been some bumps in the road that I have needed help with?  YES.  Is medication the solution?  I don't think so.

I am proud to share that I have been completely off my medication for three weeks.  Woo!  Given, I am holding back excitement and celebration until it has been at least six weeks or more.  (it usually takes 4-6 weeks for medication like this to completely metabolize out of your system)  At that point I want to take some honest inventory of how I'm feeling.  Best part?  Even if I still feel off, there are endless possibilities of help that don't include medication.

Insert discussion about hormones.

I have begun to take hormone replacement therapy cream since January of 2014.  Cream?  What?  Ew? If those are your reactions, you are a lot like me.  Thankfully it's quite literally not gross or strange.  I simply put some lotion on the inside of my arm twice per day.  Done.

I have an entire inner dialogue about my hesitation to start using hormone replacement therapy.  I wasn't even 30 years old when I started this.  What in the hell is wrong with me?!?  There are risks.  Is it natural?  Is it synthetic?  Will I gain weight?  Will I have side-effects?  Is this going to royally screw me up? Are there other holistic options?  So many questions.  Some I have found answers to, others are still questions I am seeking answers for.

Late 2013 I started to explore hormone options after having some questionable skin "things" removed by a dermatologist.  One of the questionable items led me to find out that it was caused by hormone imbalance.  Pieces of a puzzle began to fall into place.

Long story short, I did a saliva test to check my hormones to discover that for my age, my progesterone and estrogen levels were quite literally almost not on the "chart."  Low.  low low low.

Why can't I fall asleep at night?  Why do I toss and turn?  Why do I wake up feeling like I want to sleep for 3 more hours?  Why do I have mood swings?  Why do I feel agitated and annoyed all the time?  Why can't I just get myself to DO something?  Why am I restless and tired all day?  Libido?  What's that?  

These were some of the questions I have been asking myself for a long time in my life, but just figured that there was nothing I could do.  I had to simply deal with it, find a way to make it better.  Instead I feel like I was dragging everyone down around me in my attempts to figure it out.

Best thing ever?  There ARE answers and solutions.  and I'm already experiencing it.

Yesterday I had a check-up with my practitioner who prescribes my hormone cream and she read a list of my "symptoms" I came to her with back in late 2013 that I was experiencing. (the questions listed above)  Since starting to use this cream I have already noticed a change.  Best part?  I am still just beginning this journey.  I am so excited and optimistic that I might finally be finding answers to the questions I seek.

Hormones are for real!!!

Going futher, I've begun to do research into birth control, and I want to travel back in time and slap my young-self and prevent the use of oral birth control pills.  You know, the pills that were quite possibly the start of the downfall of my hormone imbalance.  Pregnancy hormones.  Daily life stress.  and all the other million factors that play a role.  It's exciting and rewarding to be on the road to finding the answers I seek.